Looking at Depression From an IFS Parts Work Therapy Perspective

As I have discussed in prior articles, IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work Therapy is a form of Experiential Therapy (see links at the end of this article for more articles about IFS).

Looking at Depression From an IFS Perspective

From an IFS perspective, depression is viewed as a "part" or a collection of "parts" rather than a permanent identity or a sign of a problem in the brain.

Depression From an IFS Therapy Perspective

In IFS, the mind is naturally subdivided into parts (or subpersonalities). 

As I discussed in my prior article, What is the Connection Between IFS Parts Work Therapy and Neural Networks?, the word "parts" is a metaphor for these naturally occurring subdivisions that everyone has. This makes the language of IFS understandable and accessible to clients.

In IFS, depression is typically viewed as either a proactive part, a reactive part or a wounded part depending upon the function of the part:

• Depression as a Proactive Part ("The Shield"): Depression can act as a protective proactive part where the objective is for the part to act as a preemptive "shutdown" mechanism.  The goal is to keep you safe from taking risks that could lead to failure, rejection or overwhelming disappointment. In IFS language, this part is called a "Manager" due to its proactive role.

Depression From an IFS Therapy Perspective

• Depression as a Reactive Part ("The Circuit Breaker): When emotional pain from the outside world is sudden or overwhelming, this reactive part can step in as a way to numb you emotionally. The goal is to instantly extinguish anxiety, shame or grief. This part is called a "Firefighter" due to its sudden reactive function.

• Depression as a Wounded Part ("The Wound"): This is often a young wounded part of you that is stuck in unresolved trauma. This part isn't trying to protect you. Instead, it carries the burden of the early emotional wounds ("I'm unlovable" or "I'm no good" or "I'm powerless"). This part is called an "Exile". The Exile is frozen in the past at whatever age the trauma occurred. The feelings it carries are raw and unprocessed. When someone is triggered, it is the Exile that experiences the trigger. However, the Exile, as the name implies, usually remains below the surface (unless triggered) and what is usually more apparent is either a the proactive Manager or reactive Firefighter.

How is IFS Therapy Different From Traditional Therapy For Depression?

Traditional therapy usually treats depression as a single entity. This can leave clients feeling consumed by it. 

Depression From an IFS Therapy Perspective

IFS therapy teaches clients how to "unblend" from the part of them that is depressed so instead of a client saying "I'm depressed", an IFS client would say, "A part of me is depressed."

This shift allows an IFS client to access their Core Self with the guidance from the IFS therapist so they can approach their depression from a curious and compassionate stance rather than be consumed by it.  

How Does the IFS Therapist Verify the Role of the Depressed Part?

An IFS therapist tracks the depressed part by facilitating communication between the client's Core Self and the depressed part. This is a skill the therapist helps the client to develop.

The depressed part might respond that they are protecting the client from failing, which would indicate a proactive protector part (a Manager).  Alternatively, they might say they are tryng to numb the client, which would indicate a reactive part (a Firefighter).  The other possibility is that the part is a young wounded part that is feeling alone and stuck in unresolved early trauma (an Exile).

How is Depression Healed in IFS?

An IFS therapist will lead the client through a process of helping them to lift the depression which would include recognizing depression as a part, helping the client to access their Core Self and from the Core Self's perspective the client observes the depressed part, befriends the part, and encourages the part to release their psychological burden.

Depression From an IFS Therapy Perspective

This allows the parts to take on a new and healthier role .

Although this might sound simple, it's often not so simple for a variety of possible reasons. Most of the time the proactive and reactive pars will step aside when asked, so that the client and therapist can work with the wounded part that holds the trauma. 

But there are times when these parts haven't developed trust yet with the client and the therapist, so it can take longer for them to agree to step aside.  

In the long run, IFS, which is a gentle, evidence-based trauma therapy, tends to be more effective at helping clients with depression. This is due to IFS's non-pathologizing stance and its step-by-step process of working with depression and unresolved trauma.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own or you haven't had success in traditional talk therapy, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an IFS therapist.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

When you free yourself from the burden of depression and trauma, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS and Ego States Parts Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about it, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

IFS is a Gentle, Evidence-Based Therapy 

IFS Therapy Can Help With Anxiety 

How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Therapy? 

Healing Trauma With IFS Therapy

How Does Experiential Therapy Achieve Psychological Breakthroughs?

In my prior article, How is Experiential Therapy Different Than Traditional Talk Therapy?, I began a discussion about why Experiential Therapy is more effective than traditional talk therapy.

Experiential Therapy Achieves Breakthroughs

In the current article, I'm focusing on how Experiential Therapy achieves psychological breakthroughs.

First, it's important to understand what types of therapies come under the umbrella of Experiential Therapy.

Experiential Therapies includes many mind-body oriented therapies such as:

• EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

• Somatic Experiencing - also known as SE

• AEDP - Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy

• IFS - Internal Family Systems Parts Work Therapy

• EFT - Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples

How Does Experiential Therapy Achieve Psychological Breakthroughs?

Experiential Therapy achieves psychological breakthroughs by:

• Bypassing the Analytic Mind: Many clients are very good at "talking about" their problems without being in touch with how they feel. This is especially true for clients who have had prior therapy. Experiential therapy uses the mind-body connection so that therapy isn't just an intellectualized experience. Instead, clients can get to the root of their problems in a more effective way by getting to unconscious issues rather than remaining on an intellectual level.

Experiential Therapy Achieves Breakthroughs

• Engaging Somatic Memories: Trauma and chronic stress are stored in the nervous system rather than just in the logical mind. Rather than focusing only on what the client thinks, an Experiential therapist emphasizes body awareness. Instead of only asking, "What do you think?", the Experiential therapist will ask, "What do you feel and where do you feel it in your body?" This helps the client to have a felt sense of their problems. This felt sense can release trapped physical tension and stress. 

• Memory Consolidation: A breakthrough requires updating old neural scripts. In Experiential therapy the brain updates the old memory with new adaptive information with the help of the therapist.

• Emotional Catharsis: Psychological shifts often require an emotional release. Examples of this include: Expressing long suppressed anger, grief and shame. 

Psychological Breakthroughs With Experiential Therapy

Rather than just gaining only an intellectual insight into their problems, clients experience a felt shift.  They can rewrite their emotional scripts through action (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough to Heal).

Experiential Therapy Achieves Breakthroughs

For example, instead of just understanding their childhood trauma, they experience a felt sense of what has held them back and what has shifted for them in Experiential Therapy in an embodied way. This somatic and emotional alignment changes their internal representation of their world which leads to psychological and behavioral change.

Get Help in Experiential Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems and traditional therapy has been unhelpful, consider working with a licensed mental health professional who is an Experiential therapist.

The psychological breakthroughs can lead to a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy? 

IFS Parts Work Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy

Some types of trauma therapy rely on exposure to traumatic events as their way of working with trauma, which can retraumatizing to certain clients.

IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidenced-Based Trauma Therapy

IFS Parts Work Therapy, which is a gentle, effective, evidence-based* therapy, doesn't use exposure like many types of exposure therapies.

    *In 2015, SAMHSA (US Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration) designated IFS as an evidence-based therapy.

Key Framework of Gentleness in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS, which stands for Internal Family Systems Therapy, is a parts work therapy that prioritizes pacing that works for the client, internal consent and a non-pathologizing framework:

• No Forced Reliving of the Trauma: IFS focuses on how trauma lives in the body and mind in the here-and-now.  This means that clients can use current emotions, thoughts and body sensations or images.  

• Permission Based Pacing: IFS is designed in such a way that therapists don't bypass defense mechanisms. Healing only progresses as "protector parts" (i.e., defense mechanisms) give permission and soften naturally.

IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy

• Welcoming All Emotions: Anger, anxiety, shame and all emotions are met with curiosity and not judgment (see my article: Welcoming All Emotions).

• Reframing Symptoms as Protectors: IFS is non-pathologizing, as mentioned above, so that symptoms aren't viewed as "destructive" or "bad". In IFS therapy there are no bad parts. Symptoms are viewed as protectors who are doing their best to protect the client. This reframing helps to reduce shame.

• Preventing Emotional Flooding: IFS relies on a gentle process called "unblending" When a client experiences emotional pain, fear or shame, the therapist asks the part to step back so that the client can witness the pain without feeling overwhelmed by it.

• Building Self Trust: Healing happens through your own inner wisdom rather than through an external source.

• Self-Lead Healing: The source of healing doesn't come from the authority of the therapist. Instead, it comes from the client's own Core Self which is an undamaged core that is characterized by calmness, compassion, curiosity and clarity. So, you set the pace.

• Gentle Unburdening: Parts of the client which hold the trauma are allowed to safely release their historical pain, shame and fear in an environment of internal containment and at their own pace.

Get Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a IFS therapist.

Get Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

Unburdening yourself of trauma can help you to lead a meaningful life free of your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples in over more than 25 years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Other Articles About IFS:

Giving Voice to Unconscious Parts of Yourself 

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Be Empowering? 

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Help With Anxiety?

Relationships: How is Curiosity a Gateway to Empathy?

Curiosity is a gateway to empathy by shifting your mindset from judgment to exploration. 

Curiosity as a Gateway to Empathy

Curiosity is the capacity to feel and understand another person's internal experience. However, you cannot share a feeling that you have not first tried to understand. Curiosity bridges this gap by creating the cognitive framework for deeper emotional connection. 

Curiosity breaks down the barriers to true empathy through several important mechanisms:

Curiosity Replaces Judgment With Inquiry: 

• Assumptions Are Blocked: When you enter an interaction with a curious mindset, your brain stops trying to instantly categorize, label and judge the other person's behavior.

• Understanding "Why" Becomes Prioritized: Instead of dismissing a behavior you don't like with a statement like, "He's being hostile towards me", curiosity poses the question, "What is causing him to react in this way?"

• Cognitive Loops Are Interrupted: This simple shift de-escalates emotional defensiveness which makes space to objectively observe the other person's reality.

Curiosity Unlocks Deep Listening:

• Focus is Externalized: Curiosity allows you to set aside your internal dialog, your biases and your premeditated responses.

Curiosity as a Gateway to Empathy

• Meaning is Prioritized Over Winning: When you focus on trying to understand the meaning of the interaction, you stop focusing on your counter-argument or a need to offer unsolicited advice.

• Open-Ended Exploration is Invited: By asking non-judgmental questions, you actively invite the other person to share their nuanced, authentic experience.

Curiosity Expands Your Imagination

• Perspective-Taking is Activated: Curiosity and empathy encourages you to put yourself in the other person's place.

Curiosity as a Gateway to Empathy

• New Perspectives Can Be Explored: Curiosity provides the spark to wonder about other perspectives and other realities that are different from your own.

• Biases Are Dismantled: Curiosity can help you to bridge the gap so you can empathize with others.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how curiosity can lead to empathy:

Ann and Frank

Ann and Frank were married for 10 years.  During that time, whenever Ann became fearful or anxious, Frank became impatient and harsh with her, "Why are you afraid to go on this job interview? You have the skills and experience to get this job. Stop worrying so much."

Curiosity as a Gateway to Empathy

Whenever Frank spoke to her in this way, Ann felt her feelings were dismissed by Frank and  then she felt ashamed of herself. Logically, she knew had the right skills and experience, but she didn't feel this way emotionally.

When they attended their next couples therapy session, Ann brought up how dismissed and ashamed she felt whenever Frank scolded her for being fearful and anxious. 

When their therapist explored what was happening for Frank emotionally when Ann got anxious or fearful, at first, he said he wasn't aware of feeling anything about it. So, their therapist asked Frank to slow down and sense into his body while remembering the conversation he had with Ann.

After a few moments, Frank remembered, "When I was child, whenever I tried to talk to my father about how scared I was of trying out for the Little League team, my father yelled at me and told me I had to face my fears and stop being a baby. He gave me a disgusted look like he was ashamed of me for being scared. That's how it was whenever I told him I was scared--until I stopped telling him."

As he said this, Frank's eyes welled up with tears, "I felt so ashamed, so I pushed down my fears and toughed it out."

At that point, Frank realized he was dismissing and shaming Ann in the same way his father dismissed and shamed him, "All I ever wanted was for my father to encourage me and give me emotional support. I realize now that's what Ann wanted, but whenever she feels anxious and afraid, it brings up those old feelings for me that I pushed down when I was a kid. It's so hard for me to tolerate because it triggers my own insecurities." Then, he apologized to Ann.

Their therapist spoke to them about using curiosity as a way to avoid judgment, criticism, dismissiveness and shaming.

Ann and Frank practiced these new skills in their couples therapy sessions as well as between therapy sessions. When he was able to get curious, he felt empathetic towards Ann and he discovered that Ann's fear and anxiety were also tied to her own childhood experiences of emotional neglect.

Frank became much more emotionally supportive and, in the process, he was able to talk in session about his own insecurities that he was never able to express as a child. Feeling understood for the first time by his wife and his therapist helped Frank to heal these old wounds.

Ann was also able to talk about how she was affected by emotional neglect in her family and she realized that, as adults, she and Frank could be emotionally supportive of each other as one way to heal their emotional wounds.

Being able to support one another also helped Ann and Frank to deepen their emotional connection (see my article: How to Develop Emotional Depth in Your Relationship).

Conclusion

Curiosity is a gateway to empathy.

Understanding the underlying issues that get in the way of being curious can help you to understand the emotional barriers you might be experiencing to feeling empathetic (e.g., unresolved traumatic childhood experiences).

Get Help in Therapy

If you have difficulty letting go of defensiveness that gets in the way of getting curious, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Get Help in Therapy

Working through these issues in therapy can help you to live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Developing Curiosity and Self Compassion 

Maintaining a Sense of Wonder As An Adult 

Nurturing Your Relationship 

Understanding Your Core Self and Your Parts in IFS Parts Work Therapy

I have written about IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work Therapy in prior articles (see links for these articles at the end of this article).

What is IFS Parts Work Therapy?

IFS is an evidence-based therapy approach to psychotherapy that views the human mind as made up of a complex system of parts that are led by an undamaged Core Self.

IFS Core Self, Managers, Firefighters and Exiles

Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, IFS operates on the fundamental principle that there are "no bad parts". In other words, every part of yourself developed with a protective intention of helping you to survive.

What is the Structure of the Mind in IFS?

In IFS your mind consists of of a Core Self (also known as a True Self) and three distinct aspects:

The Core Self: 

The authentic, compassionate part of your being, the Core Self cannot be damaged by trauma. The qualities of the Core Self consist of the 8 Cs: 

• Calmness
• Curiosity
  
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Courage
• Clarity
• Creativity
• Connectedness
  

Exiles: 

Exiles are the wounded, vulnerable parts of your mind. They usually originate from childhood trauma which often carry painful emotions like shame, anxiety and loneliness. Exiles are often out of conscious awareness until they get triggered so that they might not cause you overwhelming pain. They are "managed" by Manager and Firefighter parts (see below). 

Common examples of exile parts include: 

• The Abandoned Child Part: This part carries a deep terrifying fear of being rejected, left behind or unloved.

• The Shamed Child Part: This part carries the core belief of being inherently defective, unlovable, ugly or not good enough.

Shamed Child Exile Part

• The Invisible Child: This part feels completely unseen, unheard, uncared for and unimportant to caregivers and peers.

• The Terrorized Part: This part stores the raw terror, helplessness and physical panic of a past traumatic event.

• The Neglected Part: This part experiences chronic emptiness and a painful longing for affection and care.

• The Judged Part: This part contains the harsh criticism, feeling constantly scrutinized and inadequate.

What Are Common Triggers That Activate Exiles?

• A partner not responding to a text immediately
• Receiving constructive feedback during a work review
• Feeling excluded from a social event or group chat 
• Experiencing a minor medical scare or physical injury

Managers: 

Proactive protectors that run your daily life, they help to keep you organized, controlled, safe by trying to ensure that Exile parts don't come to the surface and flood you with overwhelming pain. Examples of manager parts include: 

• The Inner Critic: Monitors and evaluates your behavior with harsh self-talk. It shames you internally as a maladaptive way to motivate. It aims to correct flaws before anyone else detects them and judges you (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

Inner Critic

• The Perfectionist: Sets impossibly high standards and demands flawlessness. This part believes that if your performance, appearance or work is completely "perfect", you will remain safe from failure, rejection or embarrassment (see my article: What is Perfectionism?).

The Perfectionist

• The People Pleaser/Caretaker: Prioritizes the emotions, comforts and needs of others over your own self-care. It seeks constant validation and smooths over external conflict to keep others happy, ensuring they never abandon you or reject you (Trauma and the People-Pleaser Part).

The People Pleaser/Caretaker

• The Planner/Controller: Attempts to micro-manager every aspect of your life, schedule and relationships. It obsesses over predictability and prepares for worst case scenarios to eliminate the danger of unforeseen emotional triggers. 

• The Achiever/Taskmaster: Drives relentless productivity and focuses heavily on success. It links your basic human worth to tangible output and accomplishments to shield you from feelings of inadequacy.

The Achiever/Taskmaster

• The Intellectualizer/Thinker: Relies strictly on logic, data and rational analysis. It acts as a cognitive shield, analyzing problems from a detached distance to explain away feelings and keep you from experiencing raw emotion.

• The Publicist/Image Manager: Carefully curates your words, physical presentation and external reputation. It ensures you always look highly competent, composed and successful to the outside world, masking any internal vulnerability (see my article: Confusing Your Curated Social Media Self With Your True Self).

• The Avoider/Passive Pessimist: Keeps a safe distance from emotionally risky situations, intimacy or new challenges. It protects the system by shutting down, opting for withdrawal or passivity so that closeness cannot trigger suppressed wounds.

Firefighters:

Firefighter are reactive protective parts that step in aggressively when an Exile's pain breaks through the Manager's defenses. They attempt to rapidly extinguish or numb emotional distress by any means necessary. 

Unlike Manager parts which proactively plan to manage pain, Firefighter parts act impulsively and they are focused on immediate, short term relief without considering the long term consequences. These include:

The Numb-Out and Escape Strategies: These parts seek to detach from reality or dull the intensity of an activated emotion:

• The Binge Watcher/Compulsive Scroller: This part can spend hours scrolling social media, playing video games or binge watch TV to completely tune out reality.

Binge Watcher/Compulsive Scroller on Social Media

• The Dissociator: Pulls your mind away from your body causing you to "zone out" during intense situations or to feel detached from your physical presence.

• The Sleeper: Uses extreme fatigue or unprompted naps as a tactical emergency exit to avoid experiencing distress.

• The Daydreamer: Escapes chronic pain by retreating entirely into elaborate fantasies or internal worlds. 

The Substance Abuse and Comfort Soothers

These parts look to external, chemical or physical substances to smother painful feelings immediately:

• The Drinker/User: Relies heavily on alcohol, marijuana or other substances to artificially quiet an internal emotional storm.

• The Comfort Eater: Urges overeating to blanket feelings of loneliness, sadness or stress.

• The Compulsive Shopper: Impulsively spends to get the sudden burst of dopamine to mask an inner void (see my article: Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings).

The Impulse and Adrenaline Chasers

These parts attempt to replace unbearable underlying emotions, like shame or helplessness, with highly stimulating, high octane physical sensations:

• The Rager: Deflects vulnerable feelings by launching into sudden, explosive angry outbursts, slamming doors or starting verbal fights.

The Risk Taker

• The Risk Taker: Drives dangerously or engages in reckless behavior such as extreme speeding, gambling or unsafe sexual encounters, using adrenaline to overpower emotional pain.

• The Self Harmer: Expresses internal pain or seeks release from emotional numbness through physical self injury or suicidal ideation.

How Do Managers and Firefighters Differ From Each Other?

To understand your internal world, it helps to understand the difference between Manager parts, Firefighter parts and Exiles:

Managers

• Core Strategy: Control and prevention
• Behavioral Goal: Keep life orderly; minimize social and emotional risk
• Timing: Proactive (before pain occurs)

Firefighters

• Core Strategy: Distraction and numbing
• Behavioral Goal: Extinguish overwhelming emotional fires at all costs (e.g, drinking, drugging, gambling, dissociation, etc).
• Timing: Reactive (after an exile is triggered)

Exiles

• Core Strategy: Vulnerability and burden
• Behavioral Goal: Contain deep emotional wounds, childhood trauma, shame and loneliness
• Timing: Suppressed (hidden beneath protector parts)

Getting Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS is an effective, evidence-based, gentle trauma therapy. 

Although it is gentle, it is also powerful in terms of healing trauma.

Get Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS prioritizes pacing, internal consent and a non-pathologizing framework that doesn't force a client to relive their traumatic events. 

If you have been unable to work through problems on your own, consider working with a skilled IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Does IFS Parts Work Therapy Help You to Understand Yourself? 

How Does IFS Parts Work Therapy Help With Anxiety? 

How Can IFS Help With Trauma?

 

How Can Psychotherapy Help With Confusion Between Your Social Media Self and Your True Self?

In the current article I'm continuing a discussion that I began in my prior article, Confusing the Curated Social Media Self With the True Self.

Throughout this article, I'll use the terms "True Self" and "Core Self" interchangeably. Both terms refer to the innate, authentic essence of a person that exists beneath social conditioning, defense mechanisms and superficial personality traits. It represents who you are at your most grounded, unmasked and alive state. 

True Self or Core Self can be contrasted with the false self who, according to British psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, is a defensive facade built to conform to parental or societal expectations. According to Winnicott, while a false self helps us to navigate certain societal situations, an overdeveloped false self makes a person feel empty, detached and numb.

How Therapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

If this topic is interesting or relevant to you or someone close to you, I recommend that you read the prior article first.

How Do People Get Confused Between Their Social Media Self and Their True Self?

People confuse their social media persona with their True Self through psychological feedback loops, digital curation and social validation.

Mechanisms of Confusion

• The Feedback Loop: Online algorithms reward highly curated, idealized versions of "reality". Many users internalize this positive reinforcement and, over time, they prefer their the digital versions of themselves.

How Therapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

• Algorithmic Mirroring: Social media can act as a distorted mirror where it can reflect a "perfect" image back to the user based on likes, comments and shares.

• Cognitive Dissonance: Over time, a painful gap can develop between the messy real-life experiences and the polished, curated online profiles. Many people bridge this gap by pretending (and sometimes actually believing) the online version is their only reality (see my article: What is Cognitive Dissonance?).

Psychological Factors

• Hyper-Curation: Many users selectively post only their achievements, best photo angles and happy (or seemingly happy) moments. Eventually, they can gradually forget that the boring and painful moments are also real and these moments are also part of who they are in real life (IRL).

How Therapy Can Help You to Discover Your True Self

• Immediate Gratification: Dopamine hits from digital applause make the online persona feel more valuable and validated than the offline real person.

• Audience Conflation: People begin to perform for an invisible audience 24/7.  This performance erodes their ability to experience private moments without thinking about how they will post them.

Real World Consequences

• Identity Fragmentation: Individuals can feel empty when they disconnect from the Internet because their offline self lacks a clear purpose and an audience.

• Perpetual Performance: The pressure to maintain the online "personal brand' often leads to burnout, anxiety, depression and a loss of genuine spontaneity.

How Can Psychotherapy Can Help? 

Psychotherapy, especially Experiential Therapy like IFS Parts Work Therapy, can help individuals to disentangle their curated online persona from their True Self by underlying conscious and unconscious needs that drive the digital image (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

Here's how Experiential Therapy, like IFS Parts Work, can address this modern psychological challenge:

Unmasking the Digital Persona

• Identify the Divide: Therapists can help with mapping out the specific differences between your offline reality and your online image.

How Therapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

• Explore the "Why": Therapy can uncover the emotional and psychological drivers, including the strong need for a lot of external validation, fear of rejection or loneliness, that fuel the curated self.

• Expose the Feedback Loop: It can highlight how algorithms and "likes" manipulate your brain's reward system, which can drive you further from your authentic feelings.

Reconnecting With Your True Self

• Reclaim Somatic Awareness: Clients learn to reconnect with their physical sensations and immediate emotions rather than viewing their lives primarily through a lens of external validation and "shareability (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?).

How Therapy Can Help You to Discover Your True Self

• Clarify Core Values: Therapy can help clients to distinguish between societal and digital expectations to help identify what clients actually care about when no one is watching. 

• Build Self Compassion: Therapy can foster acceptance of clients' flawed, unedited and boring moments, reducing the shame that makes curation feel necessary.

Rewiring Rewards and Boundaries

• Implement Digital Detoxes: Therapists can help clients to develop structured breaks from social media to break the habit of self monitoring.

• Practice "Uncurated" Living: Clients can learn to experience moments that are purely for themselves without documenting them on social media.

How Therapy Can Help You Discover Your True Self

• Strengthen Real-World Bonds: Therapy can focus on deepening face-to-face relationships where you are accepted for your whole unedited self (see my article: What Are the Signs of Low Emotional Connection?).

My next article will discuss how Experiential Therapy, like IFS Parts Work, is especially helpful with these issues.

Conclusion

There are many ways discover your True Self, including meditation.  

Psychotherapy, especially Experiential Therapy like IFS Parts Work Therapy, has the benefit of using real-time emotional processing and relational interaction to uncover the True Self.  

Experiential therapy also offers relational mirroring as an interactive feedback loop, somatic and emotional enactment and personality integration.

Get Help in Therapy

If you are having difficulty with anxiety, depression or burnout, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in these areas.

How Therapy Can Help You to Discover Your True Self

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.